A Complete 180

Published on 4 August 2023 at 19:54

Psalm 139:16 "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."


At this point in my pregnancy, we had been seeing our doctors pretty routinely; about once a week. As crazy as it sounds, it started to feel normal to be at the hospital and it brought a lot of comfort being able to watch Sunny wiggle around on the big screen. I think it was acceptance that these opportunities might be the only chance we would get to see her alive.


Thankfully, at this point, there weren't any negative developmental changes. Sunny's heart, lungs and kidneys were still strong. After the ultrasound, we met with a neonatal doctor. He shared with us that in his medical opinion, there was about a 90% chance that Sunny would get to home with us, but she would be on hospice care.


Okay...whoa...this was a total 180 from the prognosis we were given in February. At this point, we had processed and accepted the original information that our daughter would pass away in my stomach and I would most likely have to give birth to her stillborn. I could feel the emotions and waterworks building up - not because this was bad news...it was just different news. It didn't change the inevitable outcome - it was a different route of still arriving at the same horrible destination. As he continued to talk with us, my mind was immediately flooded with all of the "what-ifs". What if she comes home? What if she passes away at home? What if she lives for a while? What would we need to do to prepare? It was overwhelming. Up until this point, we hadn't even considered buying a car seat and now we were considering potential long-term comfort care at home.


As I had done many times before, I once again threw my arms in the air surrendering to God as if to say, "I get it, I have been metaphorically slapped in the face several times now...what gives?!"


Though the idea of our baby girl passing away at home was a much harder reality to face, I accepted this possibility as a gift from God - potentially more time to love on Sunny. Our prayer, however, remained the same and steadfast; that our Great Physician would heal Sunny from head to toe and she would be born healthy. And if this was not God's plan, then we would love on her for as long as we were given.

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