Time limits

We were soon transferred up to the 4th floor. With what should normally be an exciting transition to the postpartum floor, was instead something I was dreading. I was so afraid of feeling the sting of seeing other mamas with their newborn babies. I was afraid of hearing the sweet sound of a newborn's cry.

I realized in that moment how ignorantly blissful my first two experiences were on the postpartum floor after having my older kids. I thought everyone else was experiencing the same thing I was experiencing - a healthy newborn baby to bond with. This time, I was part of a different club; a club I wanted no part of. The club of parents who had experienced infant loss.

After getting settled into our new room, the nurses plugged in a cooling cot that we could use for Sunny's body; a gentle mercy I could only thank them for. I found myself more grateful for every kind interaction, sympathetic tone and hug extended to me by our care team...they were truly angels on earth.

I should have tried to sleep - I had gotten only 20 minutes of shut eye in the last 24 hours, but how could I? I wanted to take advantage and carefully use the precious time I had with Sunny's physical body. I felt like the timer had started and I only had a set amount of minutes to memorize every detail of her body - the softness of her skin, her perfect little lips and button nose, the way her fingers felt wrapped around my index finger, how soft the bottoms of her feet were and her new baby smell. I was racing against the clock to try and remember her features before her body changed too much.