Bittersweet

The 6-week postpartum visit gives us mamas the green light to resume normal life again - we can go back to working out, we can be intimate with our hubbies again and Aunt Flo just cannot stay away, can she?! For me, the postpartum visit was today and I was not prepared for the extreme tidal wave of emotion it would bring.  As I sat in the waiting room, so many thoughts raced through my head.  To avoid rambling on and on, I will attempt to provide the bullet points: 

Thought #1: A LOT has happened in 6 weeks.  The same day we welcomed our daughter into the world, we had to say our goodbyes.  We dedicated our daughter to Jesus just days before having to bury her.  Our kiddos started the '23-'24 school year.  Mike and I were blessed to have the opportunity to start The Sunny Side and we continue to navigate the grief process and mourn our baby girl daily.  I can honestly say I have never never felt so many different emotions in the course of a month and a half.  

Thought #2: It might sound strange, but I feel some guilt as I pass this 6-week postpartum milestone.  In a way, it feels like I am leaving my baby girl behind; almost like it marks the end of something that has brought me so much joy and so much pain at the same time.  

Thought #3: It is truly amazing what our bodies can do.  After birthing a baby our superhero-like bodies just seem to know how to regulate itself and as my body is hitting the reset button, my mind and my heart are desperately trying to keep up. 

Thought #4: ...Baby #4? Let's table that for now...

Thought #5: I wish my baby girl was here with me.  I wish I had to lug around her car seat and diaper bag.  I wish I could quiet her cries as she expressed her dissatisfaction of having to sit in the waiting room with me.  I wish I didn't have to do any of this without her.  

And finally...

Thought #6: As I am typing this with tears filling my eyes, I know it will all be okay.  I know today will come and go and tomorrow will arrive and bring new joys with it.  I know that I remain faithful, I know that my God is still good and I know that He's got me.  But - even knowing all of this, I have accepted that my life is forever changed.  God has used Sunny to change me.  This is me resuming my (new )normal life.  This is not the work of 6 weeks time passing, but of a plan that was laid out long before any of this transpired and my hope remains in this.