Speaking for myself, giving up control does not come easily. It never has. I constantly need to know, need to understand, need to make sense of things. I am that person who is constantly checking the status of my package deliveries, overanalyzing every interaction I have, needing to understand the why behind everything. The phrase "let it lie" has never resonated with me and I have certainly never been good at it...until Sunny came along.
As I have previously mentioned, I learned pretty quickly (and learned the hard way, tbh) that I was not in control. Nothing I did or could do would change the trajectory of God's plan for Sunny's life. I had to take the backseat and be okay witnessing His plan for her life unfold the way it was always meant to. I didn't understand (and still don't) why everything happened the way it did. I had to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every single possible outcome for her life (and there were a lot of possibilities). Trying to make sense of things was exhausting and frankly - useless. I gave up control and surrendered to the One who is in control.
And now here we are - 6 months without our Sunny. These past 6 months have been full of all kinds of conflicting feelings and emotions - heartache, sadness, gratitude, joy, anger, peace, confusion...the list goes on and on. I never knew you could simultaneously experience such joy and heartache all at once. If I'm being honest, there have been plenty of times where I yearn for some balance and understanding of all of this. Let's face it, we all love a good redemption story; David and Goliath, Miracle on Ice, any classic underdog story. We love to witness redemption. We crave balance to right wrongs, erase mistakes and cancel out conflict. So I ask, why were we asked to walk through this valley of infant loss? Why have we been chosen to experience this unique and intense heartache? Where is my redemption?!
Well, I believe my redemption status is still "in progress". I've been asked to faithfully wait to witness all that God has in store for my life, to faithfully live out my purpose and to wait for His promises and plans for my life to unfold.
So friends, pray for me. Because I am also "in progress". And because accepting an "in progress" status of my life and constantly choosing to let go and let God is a practice I have yet to perfect!
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